- What a year this week has been.
- My mom always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything. Yet here I am, saving the world.
- Can anyone recommend a good breakfast wine?
- Back in my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled “last call.”
- I’m having a quarantine party tomorrow. NONE of you are invited.
- Dear 2020, none of this sh** was on my vision board.
- Warning: There is a DUI checkpoint between the hallway and the kitchen.
- For the love of God, do all the construction road work now.
- 2020 is a unique leap year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March, and 5 years in April.
- Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.
- We are about 3 to 4 weeks away from finding out everybody’s natural hair color.
- Is anyone else’s car getting three weeks to a gallon?
- I found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself, what would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine.
- When do we usually determine who the kids will have as teachers next year? I hope it’s not me.
- I imagine by now that a lot of husbands are ready to build that “she shed.”
- I’ve eaten 14 meals and taken 6 naps, and it’s still today. Are you kidding me?
- Sometimes, I wonder if all this happened because I didn’t forward that message to 20 people.
- A man goes into a bar in New Orleans and says, “I’ll have a Corona and two hurricanes.” The bartender says, “That’ll be $20.20.”
- Where is far, far away, and how do I get there?
- I still don’t know what I’m wearing to the dining room for Thanksgiving. I might not go.
- Calm down! Walmart, it’s just asking you to wear a mask. You can still wear your pajamas and leave your bras and teeth at home.
- I say we close down the national media for 30 days, watch 80%, and have the world’s problems disappear.
- When does season two of 2020 start? I did not like season one.
- Alexa, what will the weather be like this weekend? Why? You’re not going anywhere.
- I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
- That stupid teacher doesn’t know sh** about math, history, or English. And I’m sure I smelled vodka on her breath, cheap vodka. Stop it, Carol. Mom is trying her best!
- The lockdown can only go four ways. You’ll come out a monk, chunk, hunk, or drunk.
- Marijuana is legal, but haircuts are not. It took 50 years, but the hippies finally won.
- Casinos are now offering curbside pickup. Call ahead, and they come out and take the money right from your car.
- Doing crunches twice a day now: Captain in the morning and Nestlé in the afternoon.
- For the second part of quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family, or can we relocate?
- Until further notice, the days of the week are now called: This day, that day, another day, and someday.
- This just in: In eight weeks, 88% of the world’s blondes will disappear from the face of the earth.
- Join the two-day challenge—no alcohol on February 30th or 31st.
- Imagine if that Chinese woman called all of our mobile phones to warn us, but we didn’t understand what she was saying?
- I’ve noticed that many of you are not posting selfies since the salons have been closed.
- I don’t usually play these games, but I’m bored. So fill in the blanks: Card number, name on card, expiration date, CCV, billing zip.
- Mum is in a meeting, please new not disturb. The answers to your question might be here: In the wash, I don’t know what’s for dinner, piece of fruit, no, in your bedroom, upstairs.
- Having some states lockdown and some states not locked down is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
- People keep asking, “Is COVID-19 that serious?” Listen up: casinos and churches are closed. It’s probably pretty serious when heaven and hell agree on the same thing.
- I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him or her with a 10-foot pole” would become a reality.
- You’re not hungry. You’re bored. Shut the da** door.
- I stepped on my scale this morning, and it said, “Please use social distancing—one person at a time.”
- If you thought toilet paper was crazy, just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut.
- The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
- Sometimes, getting unfriended on Facebook is magical. It’s like the trash took itself out.
- Does anyone know the number parents are supposed to call if we need a substitute teacher?
- The garbage man stuck a pamphlet on AA in my recycling bin. Again, judgmental pr*** – mind your own business.
- My husband and I decided we didn’t want children. We are telling them tonight at dinner.
- The official sponsor of the most extended spring break ever has been announced: Corona.
- Does anyone know if we can take showers yet, or should we just keep washing our hands?
- Homeschooling schedule: 8 am – frozen, noon – Frozen, 4 pm – frozen margaritas
- Monthly entertainment budget: zero on gas, gifts, clothes, and sports—$3,000 for food.
- Is anyone else concerned about the 2020 season finale?
The next blockbuster coming to a TV near you.